What’s The 411? (Fall/Winter Edition 09/10)
January 25, 2010
“Now. This is my time and I’m gonna make this moment mine.” -Chantal Kreviazuk
“Can you become a new version of you?” – J.J. Abrhams
Hello Readers. Sorry for the long absence in blogging. It has been a crazy ride these past 7 months or so since I last reported on the world through my eyes. Its been full of ups and downs, Peaks and Valleys, Storms and Stress, Adventure and Stagnation, Sprinkled with a touch of Dorkiness. The thing is, I don’t even really know where to begin. So I guess that I will start with the ending of summer.
Most of my summer was spent trying to figure out how to have adventure and fun and not be afraid all the time. I had to figure out how to leave the only life behind that I have known for 10 plus years and start anew. It was a season filled with depression and stress. There were many days when I suffered from these massive attacks of anxiety. At times it was crippling to me. There were times where I felt like it wouldn’t end. I just stayed stressed all the time worrying about my finances and how I was going to keep me and Ted afloat through his constant incapability of keeping a job. My savings quickly depleted. And I was left feeling like I had to support the two of us. Worry consumed me. I knew that I couldn’t afford the ridiculous rent on that house and all the bills that went with it on my own. It was a hard load to bear. I originally thought my stress was due in fact to me graduating from college and not being able to find a job. But, in truth, it was all due to the fact that I stuck myself in a loveless relationship where he was never really my partner. Just a stand in, a place marker. If he was my partner, he wouldn’t have put me through half the things that the did. He would’ve been available and not spent his nights at work or with another woman while I slept alone in bed or didn’t sleep I should say. I spent most of my summer not sleeping mind you.
So at some point in the summer, I got a wild Idea to shake things up. A way to make things better for me. Have a little adventure. In my mind, by doing this, I thought that things would be clear to me. That I would know the answers to my questions. That I would be able to go on with my life and be happy in the stagnant world that I lived in. All because I had some adventure. But the truth is, Adventure is fun and exciting. But, when you come home, everything is exactly where you left it. Things never change. They forever remain the same unless you make them change. And by change, I mean change permanently. And, in order for that to happen, one must undergo a metamorphosis. Not many people are willing to put that kind of effort in. Anyway, I digress, my adventure made things clear for me. It gave me the answers to a lot of questions. It didn’t give me the answers I was expecting mind you but it did give me the answers. I knew in that moment, the life I was living would be over. So I did something that I have never done in my then 30 years. I broke up with my boyfriend. Guys usually leave me. But I had to end things. It was time. I haven’t been happy in forever and I knew that it was time to walk away.
The ending of a long term relationship is always sad I imagine. I spent my entire 20s with this man that I was hoping could be the one. I knew fairly early in that I had my doubts. But I thought that I could make things work. He was the first guy in my life to treat me as a woman. The first guy to let me feel comfortable in my own skin. The first one to let me see that not all guys are bad. The first guy that I was comfortable enough to give my “self” to. He let me see that maybe I could be loved for me. But the truth was, I was never myself with him. I never knew how to be myself and so he suffered for it. When he began to know who I really was, he didn’t want to see it so he never understood me. I will say this for him. He did so much for me. Things that no other man would ever do for me in this lifetime. I am not sorry for what I did or why I ended it. I am sorry that I waited so long and kept him hanging because I was so afraid to let go. For that I am truly sorry. I should’ve left five years ago when I originally wanted to. I will never make that mistake again.
This left me at crossroads in my life. I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t sure how to go forward either. I stayed with him for so long because I was afraid to be alone. And all of a sudden I was alone for what seemed like the first time. I had to figure out how to live. I lost my independence years ago when I had to depend on him. I had to figure out how to get all of that back. I stayed with 2 amazing friends who have always been there for me through good times and bad. Jenny and Kelly, you are two amazing girls who always put up with me and never leave my side when I need you. I will forever be grateful to you for being such amazing friends. At Jenny’s there was always someone who has way more wisdom than anyone would expect. At Kelly’s I got perspective of a different kind. Kelly has always been more of a sister to me than a friend. Staying with her was more like we were roommates again. Like it was a sequel. It was fun to spend that time with her. I was constantly looking for a place. So thanks to my lower income where I was in school, I was left with a few options. And my sister gave me the brilliant idea of buying a trailer. So a little more than a month after I left, I became a homeowner for the first time. Granted its not the greatest home. But its mine and I own it. And I am slowly making it homey and all me. It will be great once its finished. And its getting there. It has been a labor of love. Between staying with Jenny and Kelly, and working on my place, I didn’t feel so alone. I spent most of the late summer early fall getting the place up to my living standards and doing some Soul Searching.
Late in the summer I got back in touch with an old friend who got pushed to the wayside in my sadness and fear. Someone who ended up becoming my partner in crime. Someone who I let see me in a way that no one else can. I am truly sad for the absence in our relationship but happy that he re-entered my life. With this person, I am not afraid to have fun. I can be silly and I was allowed to laugh for what felt like the first time in years. He has made me see so many things differently and he has made me humble and understanding in a way. He has unknowingly taught me that life doesn’t have to be so serious. That I can have fun and just live. That things don’t have to be so hard. That its okay to be emotional. He gave me a place where I don’t have to be numb all the time. With this person. I don’t have to pretend I’m someone else. He knows me and sees me. And for some crazy reason I’m not scary. Because he is still around and willing to put up with me. To this person, I am grateful for everything you have taught me, shown me and given me. I am glad that you are here for me. I’ve told you before but I don’t know where I would be right now without you. You had a hand in saving me from myself. You have become one of the best friends that I have in this world. You are intriguing and fascinating and I enjoy our Thursdays. They are nothing but fun. I look forward to it every week. And its something that I am glad to share with you. Thank you for being amazing and extraordinary.
My 31st birthday passed without any eventfulness. I spent it with some really close friends. And it was nice to just be with most of the people I care about. There were a few exceptions. I didn’t get to Spend it with my family, Billy, Mike, Kelly, or the old friend I mentioned above. In a way, I had 2 different birthdays. One spent with great friends. And one spent with me and Bojangles. It was nice to have this time to myself to reflect on the year and how I got to where I am.
Most of November was also uneventful. I spent most of my time understanding this woman that I have become. And why I did the things I did. Why I let my intensity get the best of me. It was spent figuring out what it is that I really want. And for that matter what I didn’t want. I kept in touch with Ted. Trying the friends thing out. It doesn’t really work for us. I made the mistake of doing him a favor and when he paid me back he let me down. I knew then that if there was any hope of reconciling, which there isn’t, that there wouldn’t be after that moment. I am usually the one that has these high expectations and so when people don’t live up to them, I get extremely let down. I am working on that. I spent much of the month thinking about my flaws. Which ones I could fix, and which ones I had to live with. Make them work for me if you will. I spent most of that month like most of the few months before being angry at Mike. He should’ve been there for me but he was incapable and it made me sad. Thanksgiving came and went. It was nice to see my family and get home for the briefest of vacations.
December was spent much the way that November was. A lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what this world has to offer me. I spent a lot of time at Jenny’s or with an old friend. Finally in the middle of the month when I was ready to write him off, Mike called. And I told him how I was unhappy with the way our friendship was going and how he was not there for me during a tumultuous time. He should’ve been the one here helping me paint. Not Jenny and Kelly. He should’ve been the one calling to check on me. The one who would talk me down when I went through one of my classic “Kimmie Emotional Freakouts.” Somehow we made up. And in true Mike fashion, he called me on my bull shit. He is always great at being a sounding board for whatever is in my mind and posing questions that make me think about what it is I am really feeling about everything that is happening. He helped me see that I want more from life. I forgive you for being absent. Don’t do it again.
Christmas was nice. I really felt the spirit this year. I felt the love that is all around me. It was actually a very good day. Christmas Eve was a little strange. I never had my mom and dad to myself on Christmas Eve before. It felt kind of disjointed but really nice at the same time. I spent the night at Church and then watching “Love Actually” with my mom. Perhaps a new tradition.
New Years Eve was spent with an old friend. It was a nice to spend the ringing of the new year over there. Being dorky and chillin’. I am glad that he is always there. New Year’s Day, I got to go see my Billy for dinner. It was nice to see him. He has been one of my best friends for my entire adult life. And even though we are 1500 miles apart, Our friendship ever grows. Its like he lives right next door. I can call him anytime and talk about anything and he is always there. We had a nice meal. It was good to see him and sad all at once. I knew that he was leaving the next morning to go back home. But I was happy to see him all the same.
So far January has been a month of hoping, and planning, and wishing, and dreaming. I recently discovered something that I have denied myself for years. And now I can’t get enough. Its like I have been unleashed. I need to find a way to get there. I have learned that while I am not quite ready to be someone’s girlfriend quite yet, I am ready to date again. I don’t have any prospects in mind. But, I am ready to see what’s out there for a girl like me. One of my flaws is I don’t let myself feel. I hurts too much to feel. I have to learn to either just put myself out there and risk it all. Or, be afraid and not. I have learned so much since August. Ted was never the one. And I should’ve known that. I have also learned that I intentionally put myself out of play for 10 plus years because I was so scared to get hurt. So I stayed with a guy that I could never fully give myself to because me and my relationships with guys always end bad. Because of my abandonment issues, I knew he would never leave. I have found out that no matter how much I thought I was going to be lonely, I will never be alone. I am surrounded by so many friends and so much love. I am glad that I am able to see that. I learned that I am tired of being timid and that I have to stop being afraid to live. I need to speak up for what it is that I really want. I learned that in order for things to really happen, I need to allow myself to feel no matter how crazy or unjustified those feelings are. I need to make my own destiny happen and if it all falls apart along the way, so what? I’ll just dust myself off and keep moving. I guess the real question is, Can I become a new version of me? Well I hope so. I love who I am becoming. I just hope that the world loves me too. Stay tuned to find out.
