Let’s just say that my fanatical love for Hockey, Especially the Washington Capitals who are my heart have brought me much goodness and adventure in my life.  My hockey love has brought me two key people in my life.  My fiance, Jersey.  And My Twin, Kim.  But we will Call her My Twin (Pronounced Maaaah Twiiiinnn) I met Kim in March of 2010 when things weren’t looking so great for me.  I had recently let myself back on the dating scene after I took 6 month hiatus after I left my ex of 10.5 years.  I thought that I was ready to see what was out there. But, In honesty, I was not.  I met her at a time when I was starting to notice key qualities about myself that I couldn’t change.  I was learning to accept them. I always thought that nobody truly understood me.  Well, with the exception of my friend Mike.  But, he’s an extraordinary soul.  But Kim just popped up out of the blue.  

We started talking when I was crying on my couch one night, when my friend Athena was over here.  I had just gotten blown off by a guy.  And I hadn’t been in that position in a very long time.  She messaged me on twitter because of something I said earlier  And the more she talked.  The more I was like, “This Girl totally gets me.” and ever since our first conversation, we became fast friends.  She’s an amazing addition to my life.  She gets me to the point that I never have to explain myself. She’s become like a sister to me.  Our friendship is strange in that we are always 6 hours apart.  But, somehow, we always make it work.

We’ve had some fun times.  Our times together always center around key things. Hockey, Shopping, Food, Spirits, Music, tons of laughs and Crazy music.  If I say “Bitch You Breakfast.” I know she’d be giggling right now.  If she were reading this that is.  She’s just a fun, crazy unique soul that I’m am so happy to know.  I had a twin who died at birth.  But, I have just as big a connection to her as I would’ve had to my actual twin who passed away.  

Kim is the person who pulled me through my tough times. The in between time when people thought I was fine after things fell apart.  The time when people weren’t around.  We were going through highly similar experiences with our exes.  And, I think that we helped each other heal.  She made the nights less lonely for me.  When I still had trouble with the silence. If I had an emo day she would always be a phone call away to cheer me up, and if she wasn’t in the mood, we’d endure  it together.  We started our “Hockey Dates” in the fall so we could watch our Boys together.  She’s the person I was crying on the phone to, the rainy night that I met Jersey. 

 I just want to say thank you to my newest sister.  My twin.  You have gotten me through some dark times, and been there when I’ve found happiness.  You rock girl!  You know I always have your back. Love you.

“Now. This is my time and I’m gonna make this moment mine.” -Chantal Kreviazuk

“Can you become a new version of you?” – J.J. Abrhams

Hello Readers. Sorry for the long absence in blogging. It has been a crazy ride these past 7 months or so since I last reported on the world through my eyes. Its been full of ups and downs, Peaks and Valleys, Storms and Stress, Adventure and Stagnation, Sprinkled with a touch of Dorkiness. The thing is, I don’t even really know where to begin. So I guess that I will start with the ending of summer.

Most of my summer was spent trying to figure out how to have adventure and fun and not be afraid all the time. I had to figure out how to leave the only life behind that I have known for 10 plus years and start anew. It was a season filled with depression and stress. There were many days when I suffered from these massive attacks of anxiety. At times it was crippling to me. There were times where I felt like it wouldn’t end. I just stayed stressed all the time worrying about my finances and how I was going to keep me and Ted afloat through his constant incapability of keeping a job. My savings quickly depleted. And I was left feeling like I had to support the two of us. Worry consumed me. I knew that I couldn’t afford the ridiculous rent on that house and all the bills that went with it on my own. It was a hard load to bear. I originally thought my stress was due in fact to me graduating from college and not being able to find a job. But, in truth, it was all due to the fact that I stuck myself in a loveless relationship where he was never really my partner. Just a stand in, a place marker. If he was my partner, he wouldn’t have put me through half the things that the did. He would’ve been available and not spent his nights at work or with another woman while I slept alone in bed or didn’t sleep I should say. I spent most of my summer not sleeping mind you.

So at some point in the summer, I got a wild Idea to shake things up. A way to make things better for me. Have a little adventure. In my mind, by doing this, I thought that things would be clear to me. That I would know the answers to my questions. That I would be able to go on with my life and be happy in the stagnant world that I lived in. All because I had some adventure. But the truth is, Adventure is fun and exciting. But, when you come home, everything is exactly where you left it. Things never change. They forever remain the same unless you make them change. And by change, I mean change permanently. And, in order for that to happen, one must undergo a metamorphosis. Not many people are willing to put that kind of effort in. Anyway, I digress, my adventure made things clear for me. It gave me the answers to a lot of questions. It didn’t give me the answers I was expecting mind you but it did give me the answers. I knew in that moment, the life I was living would be over. So I did something that I have never done in my then 30 years. I broke up with my boyfriend. Guys usually leave me. But I had to end things. It was time. I haven’t been happy in forever and I knew that it was time to walk away.

The ending of a long term relationship is always sad I imagine. I spent my entire 20s with this man that I was hoping could be the one. I knew fairly early in that I had my doubts. But I thought that I could make things work. He was the first guy in my life to treat me as a woman. The first guy to let me feel comfortable in my own skin. The first one to let me see that not all guys are bad. The first guy that I was comfortable enough to give my “self” to. He let me see that maybe I could be loved for me. But the truth was, I was never myself with him. I never knew how to be myself and so he suffered for it. When he began to know who I really was, he didn’t want to see it so he never understood me. I will say this for him. He did so much for me. Things that no other man would ever do for me in this lifetime. I am not sorry for what I did or why I ended it. I am sorry that I waited so long and kept him hanging because I was so afraid to let go. For that I am truly sorry. I should’ve left five years ago when I originally wanted to. I will never make that mistake again.

This left me at crossroads in my life. I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t sure how to go forward either. I stayed with him for so long because I was afraid to be alone. And all of a sudden I was alone for what seemed like the first time. I had to figure out how to live. I lost my independence years ago when I had to depend on him. I had to figure out how to get all of that back. I stayed with 2 amazing friends who have always been there for me through good times and bad. Jenny and Kelly, you are two amazing girls who always put up with me and never leave my side when I need you. I will forever be grateful to you for being such amazing friends. At Jenny’s there was always someone who has way more wisdom than anyone would expect. At Kelly’s I got perspective of a different kind. Kelly has always been more of a sister to me than a friend. Staying with her was more like we were roommates again. Like it was a sequel. It was fun to spend that time with her. I was constantly looking for a place. So thanks to my lower income where I was in school, I was left with a few options. And my sister gave me the brilliant idea of buying a trailer. So a little more than a month after I left, I became a homeowner for the first time. Granted its not the greatest home. But its mine and I own it. And I am slowly making it homey and all me. It will be great once its finished. And its getting there. It has been a labor of love. Between staying with Jenny and Kelly, and working on my place, I didn’t feel so alone. I spent most of the late summer early fall getting the place up to my living standards and doing some Soul Searching.

Late in the summer I got back in touch with an old friend who got pushed to the wayside in my sadness and fear. Someone who ended up becoming my partner in crime. Someone who I let see me in a way that no one else can. I am truly sad for the absence in our relationship but happy that he re-entered my life. With this person, I am not afraid to have fun. I can be silly and I was allowed to laugh for what felt like the first time in years. He has made me see so many things differently and he has made me humble and understanding in a way. He has unknowingly taught me that life doesn’t have to be so serious. That I can have fun and just live. That things don’t have to be so hard. That its okay to be emotional. He gave me a place where I don’t have to be numb all the time. With this person. I don’t have to pretend I’m someone else. He knows me and sees me. And for some crazy reason I’m not scary. Because he is still around and willing to put up with me. To this person, I am grateful for everything you have taught me, shown me and given me. I am glad that you are here for me. I’ve told you before but I don’t know where I would be right now without you. You had a hand in saving me from myself. You have become one of the best friends that I have in this world.  You are intriguing and fascinating and I enjoy our Thursdays. They are nothing but fun. I look forward to it every week. And its something that I am glad to share with you. Thank you for being amazing and extraordinary.

My 31st birthday passed without any eventfulness. I spent it with some really close friends. And it was nice to just be with most of the people I care about. There were a few exceptions. I didn’t get to Spend it with my family, Billy, Mike, Kelly, or the old friend I mentioned above. In a way, I had 2 different birthdays. One spent with great friends. And one spent with me and Bojangles. It was nice to have this time to myself to reflect on the year and how I got to where I am.

Most of November was also uneventful. I spent most of my time understanding this woman that I have become. And why I did the things I did. Why I let my intensity get the best of me. It was spent figuring out what it is that I really want. And for that matter what I didn’t want. I kept in touch with Ted. Trying the friends thing out. It doesn’t really work for us. I made the mistake of doing him a favor and when he paid me back he let me down. I knew then that if there was any hope of reconciling, which there isn’t, that there wouldn’t be after that moment. I am usually the one that has these high expectations and so when people don’t live up to them, I get extremely let down. I am working on that. I spent much of the month thinking about my flaws. Which ones I could fix, and which ones I had to live with. Make them work for me if you will. I spent most of that month like most of the few months before being angry at Mike. He should’ve been there for me but he was incapable and it made me sad. Thanksgiving came and went. It was nice to see my family and get home for the briefest of vacations.

December was spent much the way that November was. A lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what this world has to offer me. I spent a lot of time at Jenny’s or with an old friend. Finally in the middle of the month when I was ready to write him off, Mike called. And I told him how I was unhappy with the way our friendship was going and how he was not there for me during a tumultuous time. He should’ve been the one here helping me paint. Not Jenny and Kelly. He should’ve been the one calling to check on me. The one who would talk me down when I went through one of my classic “Kimmie Emotional Freakouts.” Somehow we made up. And in true Mike fashion, he called me on my bull shit. He is always great at being a sounding board for whatever is in my mind and posing questions that make me think about what it is I am really feeling about everything that is happening. He helped me see that I want more from life. I forgive you for being absent. Don’t do it again.

Christmas was nice. I really felt the spirit this year. I felt the love that is all around me. It was actually a very good day. Christmas Eve was a little strange. I never had my mom and dad to myself on Christmas Eve before. It felt kind of disjointed but really nice at the same time. I spent the night at Church and then watching “Love Actually” with my mom. Perhaps a new tradition.

New Years Eve was spent with an old friend. It was a nice to spend the ringing of the new year over there. Being dorky and chillin’. I am glad that he is always there. New Year’s Day, I got to go see my Billy for dinner. It was nice to see him. He has been one of my best friends for my entire adult life. And even though we are 1500 miles apart, Our friendship ever grows. Its like he lives right next door. I can call him anytime and talk about anything and he is always there. We had a nice meal. It was good to see him and sad all at once. I knew that he was leaving the next morning to go back home. But I was happy to see him all the same.

So far January has been a month of hoping, and planning, and wishing, and dreaming. I recently discovered something that I have denied myself for years. And now I can’t get enough. Its like I have been unleashed. I need to find a way to get there. I have learned that while I am not quite ready to be someone’s girlfriend quite yet, I am ready to date again. I don’t have any prospects in mind. But, I am ready to see what’s out there for a girl like me. One of my flaws is I don’t let myself feel. I hurts too much to feel. I have to learn to either just put myself out there and risk it all. Or, be afraid and not. I have learned so much since August. Ted was never the one. And I should’ve known that. I have also learned that I intentionally put myself out of play for 10 plus years because I was so scared to get hurt. So I stayed with a guy that I could never fully give myself to because me and my relationships with guys always end bad. Because of my abandonment issues, I knew he would never leave. I have found out that no matter how much I thought I was going to be lonely, I will never be alone. I am surrounded by so many friends and so much love. I am glad that I am able to see that. I learned that I am tired of being timid and that I have to stop being afraid to live. I need to speak up for what it is that I really want. I learned that in order for things to really happen, I need to allow myself to feel no matter how crazy or unjustified those feelings are. I need to make my own destiny happen and if it all falls apart along the way, so what? I’ll just dust myself off and keep moving. I guess the real question is, Can I become a new version of me? Well I hope so. I love who I am becoming. I just hope that the world loves me too. Stay tuned to find out.

What’s Going On? (Spring/Early Summer Edition)

I am sorry for the long absence in writing.  As of late, I have been dealing with a lot.  I believe it is mostly due, in part, to all of these unrealistic goals that I put on myself.  I finally received my degree.  And I graduated Summa Cumme Laude.  But, there are no jobs to be had at this point in time.  I am constantly sending my resume out all the same.  I am at a crossroads in my life.  I never thought that I would be this age and still meandering and floating through life.  Everything hinges on me right now.  Whether we move, or stay.  Whether I am forever a waitress, or I get my dream job.  Whether I am okay taking freelance work in any form that I can get it. Or, keep doing what I am doing until the right thing comes along.  As usual, I want more out of life.  I am trying my best to accomplish this.  But, it is hard.  So hard.  I am officially ready for whatever this life has for me.  I am ready to begin.  Wish me well.

The stress of not finding a job is not helping my anxiety any.  I have been having a flare up of sorts lately.  There have been some not good times.  But, i am grateful to my friends, and my sissy for helping me through it.  I can’t take the stress of my job anymore.  The barrel is akin to working in some kind of prison or labor camp.  Where it seems as if I can’t even pee without getting yelled at for it.  I really hate that place and I need out soon!  I don’t want to start 2010 working there.  I just cannot do it!

I have had offers for photography gigs.  But sadly I was not able to take the last two offers.  One because it coincides with my family vacation at the end of this month.  And, the other because I did not get a good vibe from the clients.  I have had some bad experiences in the wedding photography department and I decided that it was best that I walk away from that offer because they seemed kind of wishy-washy.  They didn’t seem all that enthused about my photography, so, I decided to walk away.

I have met some new people this spring/summer.  One girl who is an amazing young new mom named Markie.  She is going to be my new project for the summer.  She will be my newest model.  We just have to get all of the details narrowed down.  Another person that I have met, is a guy named Daniel.  He is a great friend and person.  He is very special.   He is a sweet, kind, and unique individual who makes this whole other side of me appear.  A side of me that got pushed aside a long time ago.  I wish that we lived closer together.  Things could get very interesting.  I imagine that we would cause a lot of trouble together.  He is a fun friend to have in my corner.

I have recently joined the crazy world that is twitter.  I resisted joining for so long.  I felt that I didn’t need another site to keep up.  Sadly enough.  It is the site that I look most forward to going to everyday.  I love the fact that 98% of the people on there are random strangers that follow me, or I follow them.  We are all bound by our love of music, hockey, photography, or just because we enjoy what the other person has to write.  It is just this great microcosm that I am happy to have joined.  It is a very fun and unique experience.

As far as the friends in my world go, I am somewhat disappointed with one person in particular.  He knows who he is.  We have had this discussion.  I know that his life is busy.  I know that he has a lot going on.  But, he holds a special place in my life.  He always has.  But, as of late, I have noticed that I have been doing all of the work in this relationship for years now.  Since our “falling out” and I am tired of it.  I am not asking for much from this person.  Just a phone call.  I completely understand the not being able to hang out.  That’s fine.  But please allow me some place in your life.  Or our friendship may no longer exist.  I can’t do all the work.  Please help me.  I want a place in your life.  I don’t know where I fit anymore.  Please show me where I fit.  I need you.  I miss you.  Nobody gets me the way that you do.  You are very special to me.  You have always known that.

With my family, My sister got married about 5 months ago.  Her fiance` Matt, has been out to sea for the majority of that time.  I know that she has missed him a lot.  The good news is that he is home for a week this week.  I know that is really exciting for them.  They are house hunting as we speak.  And, they just put a bid on a house today.  So that is really exciting.  I can’t wait until I am stable enough to purchase a house.  It is a huge dream of mine.  My beautiful niece, Ashlee recently celebrated her 15th birthday.  That is an amazing feat! I was 15 when she was born.  I feel like she is as much my kid as she is my sister’s.  She is more of a sister to me than a niece.  She is an amazing and bright young girl.  She is going to take the world by storm when she is of age.  I love how much she is like I was at that age.  I could depart so much wisdom on her.  My Brother and his wife have also just put a bid in on their second house and it was accepted.  They need to really hurry and sell their current home so that they can move.  I am excited for them too.  Waterfront property is always an amazing thing. As far as my parents go, I just wish that they would accept me and this new life that I have.  They have been disappointed in me since I dropped out of college the first time.  And, even though I have made amends in my life and moved on and began to make something of myself, they just don’t seem to care.  I think that they are waiting for me to drop doing this and move on to something else.  Little do they know, this is my calling.  I just want them to be excited.  Not just look at the diploma and go “Oh, I didn’t know you were getting a degree in that.” when they knew that I have been going to school for it the past 3 years.  It just hurts.  I always feel like I am the “Prodigal Daughter.”  I just want them to be happy for me.  Not worry that I am going to be this screw up for the rest of my life.  I will keep working on them.  Maybe one day they will accept the new me.  I hope it won’t take forever.

As far as me and Ted go, things are same ol’. same ol’.  We are just trudging through this life.  He is forever working and I am still only really seeing him one day a week.  With the exception of the fact that I drive him to work everyday because he still doesn’t have transportation.

As for me, well, I would like to say that I am super excited about the status quo at this point, but I am not.  I will be though.  I find myself needing to get out of the house more and more.  I sometimes wish that the majority of my friends didn’t have kids, or were not so 24-7 attached to their significant others.  Then I could regain the fun-ness of my recent past.  It would be nice.  But I can’t hang on yesterday.  I can only focus on today.  I think what I am trying to say is.  I really want to get out there and live.  Not sit here and wait for my man to grace me with his presence.  I need to live my life independently of him when he is not here.  Perhaps have two lives.  The with Ted life for when he is at home.  And then, the without Ted life for when he is away.  Although this mentality got me into trouble before and will probably get me into troble again.   But, maybe its time to shake things up a bit.  I am tired of settling, and waiting.  Nothing is gone bad between us.  I just need to be in charge of my own happiness.  I am ready to enjoy!  Check back soon.  Good things are on the horizon.

What You Find While Reading #4 Current mood: good Category: Writing and Poetry

Today’s entry comes from my recent reading. You know that I love a cheezy romance whenever I can read one. It is probably one of the best forms of escapism there is! I know that the stories in these books are just that. Stories. Love like that doesn’t exist in real life. Romance is very different in reality. I have a thing for reading about Navy SEALs. Most of you know that. It pleases me. Me and Kelly have been reading these books by Christina Skye. There is an entire series of them. All of them that I have read are really good. They are full of suspense, laughs, action, smut, strong women, and sexy men. Everything a girl could hope far in a vapid and cheezy book.

Today’s book is “Hot Pursuit” By Christina Skye. This book had a lot to say and there were a few lines from this book that I thought would be fitting to post here in my rantings.

“You can go back or you can go forward, not both. Don’t waste time trying.” “Throwing away the rule book can be nerve-wracking. Which is why I try to do it at least once a week.” “Don’t think about tomorrow. Today is complicated enough.”

“I don’t think that I can live this way……..It’s spelled l-i-f-e. Close your eyes and jump in. You’ll figure it out as you go along.”

“People have emotional baggage. Heaven knows, I have a closet full.”

The main character in this book is named Taylor O’Toole. All through this book she has a list of rules. I thought that they were amusing.

1. Change the names to protect the innocent. Even when therey aren’t innocent…..

2. Be prepared. Always pack antacids and an eyelash curler.

3. Breathe fast. You might not feel it.

4. Tomorrow is usually too late.

5. Most of the really interesting people are dead.

6. Whoever said surveillance is fun should try peeing into an empty Starbuck’s cup at midnight from the front seat of a freezing Wrangler.

7. If he loves silicone implants, let him get them.

8. Remember who brought you.

9. Forget about coloring between the lines

10. Choclate calories don’t count if you consume them standing up–and count slowly backwards.

11. Godiva and antacids do not mix.

12. Amor vincit omnia. Acording to the Romans anyway. (It means Love Conquers All)

What You Find While Reading #4 Current mood: good Category: Writing and Poetry

Today’s entry comes from my recent reading. You know that I love a cheezy romance whenever I can read one. It is probably one of the best forms of escapism there is! I know that the stories in these books are just that. Stories. Love like that doesn’t exist in real life. Romance is very different in reality. I have a thing for reading about Navy SEALs. Most of you know that. It pleases me. Me and Kelly have been reading these books by Christina Skye. There is an entire series of them. All of them that I have read are really good. They are full of suspense, laughs, action, smut, strong women, and sexy men. Everything a girl could hope far in a vapid and cheezy book.

Today’s book is “Hot Pursuit” By Christina Skye. This book had a lot to say and there were a few lines from this book that I thought would be fitting to post here in my rantings.

“You can go back or you can go forward, not both. Don’t waste time trying.” “Throwing away the rule book can be nerve-wracking. Which is why I try to do it at least once a week.” “Don’t think about tomorrow. Today is complicated enough.”

“I don’t think that I can live this way……..It’s spelled l-i-f-e. Close your eyes and jump in. You’ll figure it out as you go along.”

“People have emotional baggage. Heaven knows, I have a closet full.”

The main character in this book is named Taylor O’Toole. All through this book she has a list of rules. I thought that they were amusing.

1. Change the names to protect the innocent. Even when therey aren’t innocent…..

2. Be prepared. Always pack antacids and an eyelash curler.

3. Breathe fast. You might not feel it.

4. Tomorrow is usually too late.

5. Most of the really interesting people are dead.

6. Whoever said surveillance is fun should try peeing into an empty Starbuck’s cup at midnight from the front seat of a freezing Wrangler.

7. If he loves silicone implants, let him get them.

8. Remember who brought you.

9. Forget about coloring between the lines

10. Choclate calories don’t count if you consume them standing up–and count slowly backwards. 11. Godiva and antacids do not mix. 12. Amor vincit omnia. Acording to the Romans anyway. (It means Love Conquers All)